i was still alive 4

My thoughts were interrupted when a group of young people came asking my name to the neighbors. My uncle stood up and went to them, they told they were my friends from IIT. More friends came, seniors came, some teachers came, everyone came, I don’t know who told everyone, but must be my friends only. Some joined others and shed some tears, some sobbed, some remained silent, some looked very impatient and frustrated, may be by the will of God or may be for me or possibly because of the faint atmosphere. I saw all of them, sad and silent, and remembered all those moments when they were equally blissful, equally joyful, and equally happy. I remembered how we use to fight over small things, how we contend for same toy, how we use to race with our small small bicycles, how we shared lunch together, how we played in the recess, how we sat on same bench, our first birthday party, or how we went on a school trip and enjoyed there, I remembered their joyful faces when I was selected, and their smiles when I slipped on banana, I saw my friends and seniors and their face reminded me of the joy when we two were ragged together by them, I remembered everything about how we enjoyed all these moments.

I saw some relatives were making a bed for me, the same type which is used in the funerals to carry the dead. They were doing it traditionally, binding bamboo together and laying some hay straw on it and the several other things to provide the corpse with leisure. After a few minutes it was ready, and my body was lying on it. My father, grandfather uncle and cousins gave their shoulders to lift me up. Ladies in the house tried to stop them by grabbing my legs and some ladies came from backside tried to stop those ladies, and my body was going. I saw my mother stretching her hands towards my body and I was going out of her reach. As I went far her tears turned turbulent, her voice became louder and her crying increased. I could so nothing to help her, except for watching her. I gave a look at those three elder people who were assisting my brother, those fellows were surely shared same hard luck, they must had never thought of this, I mean who thinks that he will carry his son’s dead body, or who wants to, bout its just another trick of nature, may be to fulfill the wrongs that you have done or just to enjoy.

As I saw my body going I felt that all those portraits of a good life, better future, a big business, a big car, marrying her, living in a big house everything shattered, every thing was washed away, everything was going with my body, and I could do nothing. I remembered how I “invested” time for my better future which never exists and which will never exist now. I felt bad that I chose a different way, way to work, way on which I didn’t enjoyed the present but kept on thinking about future, way on which only my dreams were walking with me and since they were slow, I thought I m fast. I made no mistake in weaving dreams, I made mistake in making them true. Now at this point of time, I learned a few more good things, which I would follow in my next life( I am dreaming again, cant stop myself) that dreams do need a lot of effort to be converted into a real big thing , but not on the cost of life and definitely not on the cost of hurting anyone, be it friends, family, love anyone, and not on the cost of joy and pleasure that u can get with your loved ones, your friend, your family when u are with them. And what more I get to know was that this was a trick which was like a hidden file in nature, and this trick helps you to won the game, this is your ace. And if u don’t use this ace, may be one day u will be sitting on the top floor of a big building, may be you will buy a luxury suite for living, may be u will ride a Rolls Royce and may be u will have everything, but u wont have the memories of the joy and fun that u can collect living in present only.

I again teleported myself to the place where I was about to be burned, but something went wrong in the middle, the smooth going teleporting system was shaking, I felt my body was shaking and I heard that my mother stopped crying, may be because she had accepted that I will never come back or may be because she was trying to wake me up. Her sweet voice touched my ear drums; get up dear, its 11 in the morning. And I woke up all of a sudden, I was just sitting, my eyes wide open, and I pinched myself, ouch it was reality, and that was a dream. Mom looking at me and wondering what happened to me. I was quite amazed that I was alive.

Is every thing fine??? Are you alright?? She asked.

“I m absolutely fine mom! U won’t believe what I just saw in dream” I said in a low smiling voice “I’ll tell all that to u later”

I had learned many things by this dream or now I should frame it as a “nightmare” that one should not forget, sometimes we get so busy in ourselves that we forget everyone who is or who someday was very close to us, and the only time after which we remember them is when they die. And this is the reason why some people look frustrated on such times, they are frustrated by themselves, their life that one day they will end up in same and this is not frustration possibly, this is fear. It looks like frustration because it came from anger which u cant show, and remember fear is the root of anger

i was still alive 3

People started coming to my home. Soon they flooded the house as well as the street out side the house. Some came by car some by bus some on foot and some were still in trains. Everyone was informed about my death. My buas came crying and some friends of papa came with a calming face. Some neighbors gave their chairs to provide some seating to the guests and some mats were also laid on the road. I jumped on the street from the balcony to see all of them. All of them were quite silent, some sat on the red and white chairs, some sat on the mat, some neighbors were also peeping out of their balconies and some were trying to look from their windows. They were coming continuously, the number of scooters and bikes and cars increases outside my house. I saw them all; some were interested in the cause of death, while some preferred silence. Some were talking about their shares on mobile and some were chattering in the loudest voice allowed. Small kids were running one after each other, may be playing train-train, just like I use to play. At that time, it was the first time in my life when I see my picture in everyone’s eye, and in each eye it was with a different perspective, some said I was a nice guy and remembered the time that how I use to serve water to them with my little hands when I was a kid, while some said that I was rude and that I never even whished the. Some who saw me playing said he was good at cricket and some who saw me riding fast on the back seat of my friends said that I was a bully and bad element for “civilized” society. Some said that I was good at studies because I cracked JEE; some said I was just a cheater because I was not helping their son in doing the same. Different people were having different perceptions about me, and most of them were derived by one or in some cases, two, but one thing that they all shared in common was that every one ended saying “he must not have died”.

In the silence of sorrow outside the house, loud voices of ladies crying was clearly audible. They were roaring. I walked through a wall and reached a hall where all the women were sitting and my corpse was lying. This time its clothes were changed and the new ones replaced the night suit. Among them my mom, grandma, and buas were those who were sat nearer and who were crying the most, then as I saw till end, number of faces I knew decreased and at the end of the hall, hardly anyone was crying. I was smiling to see that the dead body is a dead body always, but only those cry who feel they lose it. One more thing I saw was the kids, some kids were also crying, not for me, but because their mummy was crying. Rest all the kids were behaving like kids, and they should also, because childhood never returns, and we should stay far, at least as far as possible from all these worldly things. Then my phone rang. I teleported myself to my room bt others took the stairs. It was her. The moment I saw her number calling I wished I could be there where she is and I reached there. I was in her room. I’ve met her two times in last 3 years, ever since I had known her. We have been together only on phone. I saw that she was still sleeping, rather pretending to be sleeping. She had sent me some messages which I sis not replied, so she was calling me. I realized one more power in me, I could hear her mind. She was saying pick up the phone, why are not you picking up the phone. She was looking beautiful and she was beautiful. Finally someone picked up the phone. It was my brother. He did not know her but then his and my voices are quite same so she got confused and said why you were not picking up the phone.

My brother said, I m sorry but he will never pick up your phone, his voice was like he was about to cry.
She was still thinking that it was me, so she said, what happened dear, why are you crying??
My brother answered very respectfully as if he understood who she was to me and said elder brother died this morning in sleep, he will never pick up your phone. And he cut the phone.

She was shocked. I don’t know bigger word o else I would have used, she was shocked. I don’t know why, everyone who listened about me or saw me dead, started staring at infinity. Not trying to hold the tears but they did not fell spontaneously as they use to do whenever I use to say any thing that can hurt her. But today she was really hurt. I was the first guy in her life and may be I was the last one. For last three years she has considered me as her god. She told me every single secret of her life, she talked to me every single day of these three years, she loved me more than anyone else can love me only after my parents, and whether or not I was with her, she was always with me. She was far away from me, always more than a 100 miles but she never ever thought of any one else. I saw her face, I saw her sad, that was the first time I saw her crying, but her heart was sad this time, really very very sad, and this time I truly figured out how she must have felt when I slept talking to her in night, when I did not replied to her SMSes, when I cut her phone when I was busy, when I told her that I cant talk because I have lot of work to do, when I scolded her for complaining that I am not romantic, for everything wrong that I did, and that I did very over and over again, but she never complained of anything, she never told me to part or ways, in fact I did. She shrunk herself, collected her knees closer to her, took her pillow, and bind her arms around the pillow, as if I am the pillow, and hid her face under the pillow for crying, as if she was crying on my shoulders. She did not screamed, just a long sigh and the mix sound of air through her nostrils and her crying was enough to explain everything. I always wanted to hug her, kiss her, touch her, to wipe her tears whenever she cried, to share her joy whenever she was happy, to see her face blooming like sunflower on her every point of success, and also to be with her, but inspite of being miles away, we were very close. Everything you wish need not come true, and you may not get everything you want to. I was happy that now I could be with her all the time, whenever I want, though she will never know.

I went back to my home. It was still the same. Only the number of people increased, my friends were also informed, some more relatives, cousins crying, friends crying, colleagues crying, only I was not crying. I come to know some more secrets of life, even those cry for you whom you think could never ever care for you, and it does not mean that a person who don’t cry for you don’t care for you. It means that he is considering that I might hurt your soul if you saw him crying and that your soul might not be happy after you saw him crying. I also came to know a few more good things which I have never thought of, the person who says something bad about you, or criticize you either on speeding in market or for not helping you, purposely wants to hurt you because he doesn’t want you to remember him, because if you remember him, you might feel sad. And those who praises you after your death, didn’t want to hurt you, but they think that your soul must live in peace, so they purposely say all those good things which they remember about you, just in case if God is listening, or some one told Him then He might provide your soul with more comfort. What else I took hold of was that all these are tricks designed by nature which you don’t want to play but the ultimate power of Him forces you to play all cards you have, sometime wrong sometimes right.

i was still alive 2

In the time papa rushed in with family doctor Mr. Mahesh. He was also woken up from death sleep because his face was not washed and his eyes were swollen because he worked late last night. He checked my nerves, checked heartbeat, inspected my eyes and said the first word of the morning after my mother stopped screaming,
“Your son is no more”
How could that be possible, I was standing at his back and he declared me dead. I objected and my mother bursted into tears, my grand mother also joined her. My objection voice was buried under the two women’s screams and crying. I saw that the tears which my grandfather was trying to hold were now streaming down his face.
This made me think that I am dead. I could see them, I could see tem all crying. My father who never cried in front of me was hiding himself against the wall to cry. May be he didn’t want me to see him crying. The scene was so anguish, painful for me, for everyone. No one was ready to believe this. My mom jumped to my chest and was pleading me to wake up as I do every morning. She tried everything, she demanded me, she prayed to god, she ordered me on her name, she told me to give me a bike which I was demanding for a long time, bt I, like a bad disobedient boy, did not listened to her, I dint woke up that day, though I wanted to. Dr. Mahesh pulled the blanket over my head, prayed for something, may be for me or may be for my family, because we both were in same state and then as a friend gave my father a shoulder to cry.
I’ve heard that souls fly, if I was a soul then I must fly, I gave it a try and I was air borne.
That was the time when I wanted to cry too with all my loved ones but souls cant cry. I dis every thing to make sure that I am no more now, I walked through walls, I teleported my self to my hostel room in Roorkee, my class and then back to my home. While everyone was crying and I saw everyone crying my mind again diverted into random thoughts. I asked myself
“Why me?”
“Why my soul is not free?”
“How can I die?”
“Do every one passes the same situation after death?”
“If yes, then where is everyone else?”
“If no, then why me?”
“Am I being punished?”
“Is this my punishment?”

That was the biggest pain of my life, watching everyone crying for my death and I can only see them crying, asking god to blow life in my motionless body, asking for my life in place of their life, and I cant go and tell them that “HERE I AM, DON’T CRY”

DR. Mahesh, who was now Mahesh bhai, made call to Rakesh uncle, Anil uncle and several other friends whom I don’t know.

My alarm rang, indicating that it is now 8:00 AM, if my cell had a life like us, he would have never rang, coz then he would have known that I will never woke up, poor he, rang and my father turned it off.

This distraction made him to collect his senses and he went to the other room, he then made calls to all our relatives, friends and other people and I saw how he hold his tears and how he controlled himself from bursting like a volcano every time he was asked “HOW???” it was hard for me to see all this and I was feeling sad, very sad, I was feeling like I never felt ever when I was alive. To escape from all this agony, I went back again in balcony. This time my mind was not thinking any thing possibly because now it had learnt that it did not exist or may be because all its thoughts were washed away by the tears of my family. I saw people outside my house on the street, were whispering in small knots of 3-4 people, mostly ladies. Possibly they I was the point of their discussions. This time my steps were slow, as if they will walk slowly then the time will slow down, bt poor they, they don’t know, or may be they were denying the fact that time does not change its pace for anyone, it make others change their pace.

i was still alive 1

Hanging on the roof the fan spun about 10 fts above my head making a noise as its wings pierced air, the window curtains and the table cloth continued to wave as I undo the blanket over me and got down from the bed rubbing my ass over the mattress and bending my legs. My feet didn’t felt any sensation when it touched the ground, quite as a surprise to me but they dint felt any temperature difference. That day I woke up earlier than I do in the normal schedule. I pulled the curtains slightly to see the sky, it was dark blue or blackish blue with almost no stars twinkling and dogs crying, wind was also blowing and it took away all the voices that came from the vehicles running on the nearby road. It was still dark and the only thing visible was some dark images of curtains and the table cloth that was waving against the bluish grey turned white walls. To get a better idea of time I turned on the light to see the watch hanging on the only odd colored wall of the room. It showed 03:33:33AM. I opened the door, walked some time in the balcony in the dark, thinking on random issues. Then I thought of sleeping again. I came back in the room and gave a look on the watch to see how much time is left in dawn. It was still showing the same time. I smiled to myself as I said what a time for a watch to be a martyr. I turned off the light and was going to my bed when I saw that someone is already sleeping on my bed with blanket till forehead. I was traumatized. I turned on the light again, I was thinking that who could it be, I did not heard any one coming to m room, neither I heard any sound of opening the door. I went nearer, hesitatingly draw the sheet slowly from fore head to the chin and I jumped back.

It was me.
I was dazed, somewhat horrified also but more in a state of mental shock. Its not always when u woke up in the night, u go out of your room and when u come back u find yourself lying on the bed. I rushed to my parents’ room and tried to wake up my mom but she did not reacted as if she never heard me shouting on her ear. Then I tried to wake up dad but all in vain. I made several futile attempts to wake up my brother and mom dad. I was running from room to room in horror, shouting but everyone was lying like a corpse, not even moving millimeters, even the thing lying on my bed was like a corpse only, having no sensations, no breath, nothing. At least others were changing their positions on the bed, but I (if that was me) was lying in the same one position, as I sleep, with stomach on the bed and back side exposed. I came out of the room and locked the room from out side and took the key with me. I then walked in the balcony till the dawn, this time my steps were faster, and my mind was more concentrated in thought process.
Finally, I saw some one on the street out side, then the number of people increased on the street everyone busy in their regular schedules, someone filling water from the taps, some one drying his clothes on the roof after bathing, someone reading newspaper in his lawn, women going to fetch milk chattering, birds singing on the mango tree, sweeper sweeping the street, young girls going to the temple with wet hair and flowers in hand. Everything was normal only me and this episode was strange.

At last I hear the sweet chime of mamas payal, she had woken up, I rushed to her and said mummy someone is on my bed. She did not even react. Now this was really very strange. I was shouting in front of her, my face horrified and no signs of worry on her face, something was not right today. She then went to my room and I followed her, she opened the door and it opened. I locked that freaking door by my own hands, and it opened in one shot .This was ridiculous. She then tried to wake up that thing lying on my place but it didn’t moved . Mama turned it upside down, this time her face was pale and tiny drops of water on her forehead. Se screamed for my father and he also came running hearing her crying. My father tried to wake me up, but I dint moved. He was pressing my ribcase , slapping me, shouting on me but all the attempts were out of hope. My brother and grandparents also came to my room hearing the screams. My mom was crying uncontrollably and grand mother was consoling her, though she was also crying. My father rushed for the doctor immediately and grand father was just sitting on the sofa near my bed, staring at infinity, with tears in his eyes. In all this trauma, no one saw me or to my thought, ignored me. I was not able to understand why they all were behaving like this. I was trying to talk everyone but no one responded. May be they all were busy in crying or consoling that’s why they were giving less importance to me. Then I moved to my brother, he was neither crying nor consoling nor staring at the infinity, he was just standing against a wall, and may be he was also trying to understand the whole story just like me, so in a hope that I will get some response I asked him that what happened but again he behaved a if he never saw me